


trainwreck

by thelivingflop



Series: haikyuu song inspired oneshots [10]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Panic, trainwreck by james arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:35:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28382583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelivingflop/pseuds/thelivingflop
Summary: inspired by trainwreck by james arthur
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Series: haikyuu song inspired oneshots [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2018299
Kudos: 31





	trainwreck

**Author's Note:**

> tw: anxiety, anxiety attack, eating disorder (not wanting to eat food, feeling disgusted at the sight of food),possible suicide attempt.

The way it was all consuming, everyday. It crept through his veins, lurking in the shadows, waiting. Waiting to jump out and take away colours and brightness. Ready to submerge him in water and hold him there until he was barely conscious.

He liked to lay there in the silence and wait for the sirens. He liked looking for signs. Signs he was still alive. He felt a tear roll down his cheek. He hadn't even realised he was crying. He was terrified.

He quickly wiped away the tear as he heard the door open and stood up from the cold floor he was lying on. He took a deep breath and put his mask on, hiding himself deep behind it, curling up into a ball into the darkest corner he could find.

He walked into the kitchen, a small smile painted on his face.

"Hey. How was your run?" Suga asked, softly.

Daichi turned to face Suga, his smile big and his eyes gentle.

"It was good. Have you been up long? Do you want me to make breakfast?" Daichi asked.

Fear. It was only momentary. Daichi been on a run and he was offering to make breakfast. Suga had been up all night and he hadn't done anything. Fear. It was only momentary. But it was enough to remind him that he wasn't good enough.

"No, no. I'll do it. You go and have a shower." Suga said as he moved to the fridge.

Daichi smiled brightly as he wrapped Suga in a warm, comforting embrace.

"Thank you." Daichi pressed a gentle kiss to the top of Suga's forehead. "I love you."

Suga hid his face in Daichi's neck so he didn't have to see the pain on Suga's face as he heard those words. 'I love you'. But why, Suga wanted to ask Daichi. Suga couldn't understand why Daichi would say those words to him.

"I love you too." Suga said quietly as he separated from the safety of Daichi's arms.

Suga went about making breakfast. His movements felt so slow and lethargic, like something was weighing him down. Something was sitting on his shoulders, unwilling to move. Lodged in his chest with no way of getting out. His hands trembled as he picked up the knife and sliced some fruit. intrusive thoughts took over any empty space Suga had in his mind. Suga placed the knife and exhaled shakily, gripping onto the counter. Suga didn't want to lose it but right now, he was struggling to get through everything.

Suga placed a bowl of fruit and yoghurt on the table for himself and some toast and eggs for Daichi. Suga looked at his breakfast in disgust, his lower lip trembling. He slowly sat down at his chair and placed his head in his hands, willing his head to clear.

"Hey, you alright?"

Suga felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Daichi's warm eyes looking down at him,

"Yeah, just tired." Suga replied, his voice empty.

"Make sure you get an early night tonight, okay?"

Daichi pressed a kiss to Suga's forehead. Suga melted into the touch, savouring the warmth he felt from Daichi because as soon as Daichi was gone, Suga would be submerged under a frozen lake, unable to break through the layer of ice at the top.

Suga felt so empty and so full. his emotions were numb, unable to feel anything. But his head was constantly buzzing, thoughts screaming and yelling at him. Reminding him that he wasn't good enough and that he shouldn't have a place on this earth even though he knew all of that already.

Suga picked up his spoon, the spoon shaking in his hand as he pushed around the fruit. He wasn't hungry but the moment he felt Daichi's concerned gaze on him, he sunk his spoon into the yoghurt and ate some. Anything to make sure Daichi wasn't worried about him, Suga didn't want to burden Daichi with that.

Suga felt his heart begin to speed up and his palms become slightly damp as Daichi didn't avert his gaze from him. Suga fiddled with his fingers, not meeting Daichi's eyes as anxiety began to build rapidly in his chest. Suga squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and willed his breathing to stay as it was and not to become rapid and shallow.

"Do you want to go shopping today?" Daichi asked, breaking the silence.

"No, thank you." Suga couldn't go out like this.

"Is there anything you want to do?" Daichi asked. Suga was about to reply but Daichi spoke again. "And don't flip it so we end up doing something that _I_ want to do."

"I can't really think of anything." Suga said, his voice becoming emptier.

Daichi stood up suddenly and walked over to Suga. Suga felt Daichi wrap his arms around him and pick him up. Wasn't he too heavy for Daichi? There's no way Daichi would do this if Suga wasn't being a burden, but Suga didn't have the energy to complain or try to escape. Daichi placed Suga down on the sofa before sitting down on the other side.

"Kōshi, are you really okay?" Daichi asked.

"Yeah, I'm okay." The default answer came out of Suga's mouth before he even had time to think about it.

"I don't think anyone can be so consistently okay." Daichi said, taking Suga's hands in his own.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Even the most content person in the world has their bad days. They have days where it becomes to much and all they do is need to let it out and seek comfort. But you're always the same. I haven't seen you waver since I met you and I find it difficult to believe that someone can be okay for that long." Daichi rubbed circles with his thumb onto Suga's hands

"I don't understand what you're saying."

Suga understood perfectly what Daichi was saying. Suga knew that Daichi had figured it out, yet he prayed that Daichi hadn't. Suga wanted Daichi to pull him out of this train wreck but he was too scared that he was going to pull Daichi in with him.

"It's just- we've know each other since we were fifteen and you've never come to me with any troubles or problems. You never seem sad or angry and you never seem super happy or excited. You were always there for the team, taking care of them, taking care of me but never really taking the time to take care of yourself and I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm here for you, Kō. You can come to me about anything. You're not a burden."

"I- uh..." Suga tried to find the words but he just couldn't.

"I don't want to assume anything but I think that there's something going on. And there has been for a long time. The first year I met you was the only year I saw the real you. I know that he's still in there somewhere but you're too scared to let him out. You may think that you stay exactly the same all the time but you haven't, Kōshi. You have changed. You've become quieter over the years, you smile less, you look smaller and tired, you don't go out with Oikawa, Akaashi and your other friends. I don't even think you enjoy shopping anymore."

"I-."

"Let me finish. I've sat back for years, waiting for you to tell me because I know how awful it is into being pressurised to tell someone how you feel, especially when you're not ready. But it's hard, Kō. It's hard for me to see you like this. I love you so much and I want to be able to help you but I can't because you're never not okay." Daichi looked into Suga's eyes and took his hands. "Please, Kōshi. I love you."

The words echoed in Suga's head. The truth was, Suga did know that he had changed and everything that Daichi had said was true. It felt suffocating, knowing that Daichi knew. His eyes darted around the room, trying to find room to breathe but there was no point in trying to find hope in the hopeless. Suga snatched his hands back from Daichi

"Why though? Why do you love me? No. No, that's not even the point! How can you say all that? It's just absurd, I mean-"

"Suga-"

"-no, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm okay!"

Suga was pacing up and down the room, his hands dug into his hair, pulling lightly on the strands. His tone was becoming more and more desperate and frantic as he repeated the lies he'd been telling himself for years. He could feel his chest becoming tighter, it felt like there was something twisting around his insides, squeezing and kneading. Suga could feel tears welling up behind his eyes as he squeezed his fists together.

"Kōshi, please. I can help." Daichi sounded heartbroken.

"No! No, you can't, you can't!" Both Suga's voice and body were trembling. "You won't understand, you can't understand. I'm drowning, Daichi! I can't breathe!"

Suga placed his hand over his heart and clutched onto the material of his tshirt. The constant banging of his heartbeat in his ears was too loud and overwhelming. Suga looked at Daichi and saw shiny eyes and a look that could only be described as pain.

"I can't." Suga whispered, before running out of the door.

Suga squeezed his eyes shut as he ran and ran, trying to escape whatever it was that was coiling around his heart, causing his vision to swim in and out of focus. He was sorry. He was so sorry. He was sorry that he couldn't get through this. He was sorry that he was causing pain for Daichi. He was sorry that he felt so fucking awful all of the time. He was sorry that he had a place on this earth when someone so much better could be here.

Suga felt his throat begin to constrict and it was becoming harder and harder to inhale air, his lungs were burning yet his legs didn't stop moving. He had to escape this darkness that was hanging over him. He felt lost and trapped. Suga couldn't see through the tears streaming down his face.

It was terrifying, not having control over your own mind. Suga's mind was driving past the same thoughts that made his skin prickle faster and faster and Suga had no idea to slow it down. He had no idea how to slow down. A small whimper escaped Suga's lips as he felt himself fall further and further down the black hole that was so insistent on taking him.

All of a sudden, Suga's mind screamed at him to stop running. Suga's eyes darted around, trying to focus and see where he was. Suga looked down at his hands and saw that his knuckles were white, clenching onto something. Suga looked past his hands and saw a fifty foot drop and water below. He screamed before sprinting away from the side and collapsing on the floor.

He had his hand placed on his chest and tried to control his breathing but the shock was too much for him. He wasn't ready to die yet and Suga couldn't face this alone, so his hands fumbled around in his packets for the only person who could help him.

"Daichi." Suga whispered into the phone.

"Kōshi?" Daichi's voice was frantic and desperate but suga could hear the relief in his voice.

"Daichi, help me." Suga's voice trembled.

"Where are you?" Suga could hear Daichi picking up the car keys.

"I'm at the bridge."

"Oh shit. Hey, Kō. Keep talking to me okay? I'll be there soon, we'll make it out okay." Daichi's voice kept telling him soothing things, calming Suga down.

Suga knew that he had a home in Daichi. A place where he would be protected, comforted and loved. It seemed almost trivial to Suga now, how he hadn't told Daichi how he was feeling because Daichi was always going to be there for him. Daichi would protect him from anything. Daichi would die for him, Suga knew this, so why hadn't he let Daichi help?

Suga knew that it all came down to fear. Fear that Daichi wouldn't help him, couldn't help him. Fear that Daichi would reject him and push him away. Fear that Daichi would see him as a burden. But Daichi wouldn't do that, his eyes always looked softly and affectionately at Suga.

Suga looked up when he heard the sound of a car approaching the bridge. Tears streamed down his face and he couldn't contain the sobs as he saw Daichi run towards him. Immediately, Suga felt Daichi's arms wrap around him and Suga buried his face in Daichi's neck.

"Hey, shh. It's going to be okay, I promise you." Daichi whispered, as he rubbed soothing circled onto Suga's back.

"I'm sorry Dai." Suga choked out. "I didn't mean-."

"You've got nothing to be sorry for." Daichi looked at Suga, his dark brown eyes locking with Suga's hazel ones. "We're going to get through this together, okay?"

"I love you." Suga whispered as he fell into Daichi's arms.

"I love you too."


End file.
